Children's Grief
Explaining Death
It is important to involve children of all ages at the time of a bereavement in the family.
When someone dies, find a quiet, secure and familiar place for the child and talk honestly and openly about it. Parents or caregivers should keep explanations simple and truthful. Use accurate words and terms to avoid misunderstandings, which may arise from saying 'taken away' or 'has fallen asleep'. Such terms may cause the child to think the next person who goes away will not return or they may have nightmares and not want to go to sleep because they may die. Children should never be left with the thought that death is some form of punishment of them, their family or the person who has died.
Younger children will feel loss differently from a teenager or adult. They may feel they have lost a nurturer and protector, therefore they need reassurance that they are safe and will be cared for.
The funeral or memorial service
Ensure that you tell children what to expect over the days following the death. Explain that people will visit the house and some will be upset and cry and that it is ok to cry.
Talk about the funeral arrangements and give opportunities for them to participate. They may want to view the body and should be included if the family goes to view the body.
Some children may want to do a drawing, write a note or place a memento in the casket. Older children may want to write down their thoughts or a poem to read or have read at the service. They may also wish to select a special piece of music or display important possessions that connect them to the one who has died.
They may wish to attend the service and if so, provide them encouragement and support. If however they do not wish to attend, never force them. An audio or video tape of the service may be invaluable, if later they wish they had attended.
When discussing the death and subsequent burial or cremation explain that being dead does not hurt. You can explain that in cremation the body is turned to soft ashes by a special fire. The ashes are then placed into an urn. For burial you may use the story of the death of a pet and burial in the garden, to make it more familiar and natural.
It is common for children to play and so they may re-enact the funeral or pretend to be sick or dying. Don't be surprised or alarmed, as this is normal. Provide support and don't treat their play as something naughty. Remember at times of stress adults work – children play.
Children with special needs
Intellectual
Many children with intellectual special needs will sense the change caused by bereavement and respond with emotions and tears like everyone else. Some may not have the reasoning skills to fully understand their own feelings and what has happened. Their needs are the same as any child. Their lack of inhibitions will enable them to react in an open and honest way. Love, support and consistency with routines will help.
Orphans
The loss of an only parent or both parents will be a very traumatic experience for a child and complicate the grieving process. It is important for the child to be given love, support and reassurance that they are safe and will be cared for.
New living arrangements and the selection of a new caregiver must be arranged promptly. The early involvement of the caregiver with the child during the initial loss and funeral will create a better bond.
Physical
Arrangements must be made to enable children with special physical needs to grieve, by attending the viewing of the body, attending the service and cremation or burial, as any other child would. Extra thought must be given to ensuring they feel included and supported.
In summary
Parents, family and caregivers should keep children involved and talk openly and honestly with them.
Children's support groups are many and varied. It will be helpful for children to share their feelings and reassuring for them to observe that other children's reactions to grief, are similar to theirs. Many books are available on bereavement and grief, for you to read to your children or for them to read. Contact your nearest Funeral Home for a list of support agencies or suitable books.