Helping someone who is grieving

In the weeks and months after a death it is normal to expect changes in behaviour, attitude and the health of a bereaved person. The grief process is complex and the changes may affect relationships with family members, friends or workmates.

You can offer support by:

Listening - This is probably one of the most important things to do. Make yourself available and try not to talk but listen. Allow the person to express their feelings without criticism or judgment.

Understanding - Each person will grieve in their own way and at their own speed. Ask the person if they're feeling down and encourage them to take the time to grieve. Don't try and force a time limit on grief.

Encouraging - It is often very difficult for a bereaved person to find someone to talk to, once they start getting back into life as normal. Encourage them to talk about the deceased and their memories of times gone by. Be patient if they need to tell their story over and over again.

Sharing - If you need to cry, don't stop yourself. Your tears allow the bereaved person to feel comfortable crying with you.

Providing - the bereaved with time to themselves, by answering the door and phone or taking them for a drive.

Lending a hand – to the bereaved, daily routines and chores are not a priority.

Mentioning - the name of the deceased without fear that it will upset.

Realising - that you don’t have to have an answer for "why?". It is more helpful to acknowledge the bereaved persons need to ask, to question and to challenge, in their search for answers.

Reassuring - the bereaved that their reactions are normal and necessary for healing and readjustment.

Remembering - that grief will surface at significant times in the future, such as holidays, anniversaries, birthdays or Christmas. Even a special song or scent of a perfume, may trigger memories and sadness.

It is not helpful to say:

I know how you feel - only the bereaved know how they are feeling.

Don’t cry - this blocks the natural healing properties of tears and stops feelings being expressed.

Time will heal - this cliché offers little comfort when the present feels so painful and the future seems unbearable without their loved one.

Don’t dwell on the past - sharing memories, looking at photographs and reminiscing can be therapeutic. It’s all part of saying goodbye to the past. It is only when the bereaved have worked through their grief that they can reorganize their lives and look to the future.